You fought with everything in you to hold on to the relationship, to the point it nearly destroyed you. Our minds become easily blinded by the toxicity as our hearts continue to hold on to what we believe to be true love.
You created a fantasy with this person. A life you want went in pursuit of. But now that’s all gone. Imaging a life without this person seems unbearable despite all the pain they brought in your life.
Every sign was there. Standing right in front of you. But once again you try to see the “good” in everything and everyone. You justify the bad, letting yourself reject the pain and hurt you feel deep inside.
You know it’s not meant to be, but you put everything you have into that one person only to be hurt over and over. You know moving on is the best thing for you, but that doesn’t make the act of doing so any easier.
Moving on can be a brutal process, and it can take a long while til you feel deserving of happiness, investing in your own independent, transformed life.
You may have saw this all coming, but the sense of denial comes upon us when it comes to our hearts and love. Whether you were prepared or not, no break-up is easy. We all feel blind-sided, overwhelmed, paralyzed or haunted by fear. But this is normal. It’s okay. These come with the stages of moving on.
Over the past year or so, I myself have been struggling to move on after a destructive relationship. Everything described above was me.
After a great deal of conversations with people recently, I thought I would share with you all the stages we all go through when moving on after a difficult relationship.
Desperately Searching for Answers
Why did this have to happen to me? The question of why consumes your every thought. We must understand why this has happened. We try to rationalize every thought, behavior, action. Fixating on every word that was said, every action that was made. Trying to pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong. You obsess over how you could of been different, what you could do to change it all. The desperation to make sense of it all drives you to debate what all your friends and family saw, which we were all so blinded to. Maybe though, it’s all beyond our ability. We must learn to accept there never will be an understanding or an answer to why.
The “This can’t be happening!” phase. You can not accept that it’s over. You can not live without this person. You deny any reality of the situation. Postponing any need to grieve the end, as you can not acknowledge there even was an end. Rather you replace these thoughts with unrealistic hope the relationship can be salvaged and that it’s all meant to be. It’s during this time we need to be brutally honest with ourselves. Remembering the relationship wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows, that we suffered a tremendous amount of pain and hurt which is not worth going back to!
Initially we are overwhelmed by a great storm of emotions. Then, BOOM! The anger comes rushing through your blood like steaming hot lava. This is the stage I currently am in. Though, I think it is a big step to make it to this stage. Being able to access that anger means you have broken through all the other feelings. For me this was a stage of empowerment, as I began to remember again, I matter too. It was here, I realized I deserved more from a relationship. Though, I didn’t just feel anger toward the relationship, but toward myself as well. As self-defeating and paralyzing as this can be it is all apart of the process of moving forward. Anger is a sign you are working through it all. Somewhere within you, you are beginning to shift your perspective and take positive steps on a new and better journey.
Acceptance & Hope
This is the stage when you finally feel you are throwing up that white flag, surrendering to it all. You’ve developed enough awareness to recognize that it just wasn’t meant to be and there is a better path waiting for you ahead. It is here you finally have hold of your independence. You make peace with what is and begin to see the light at the end of the storm.
As your acceptance continues to deepen, the idea of hope gradually begins to return. You know you are okay without the relationship, that there is something even better waiting for you in life. For so long we let ourselves believe in the fantasy, ignoring any idea that this might not be right. When you let that all go, you allow yourself to see your full potential, and everything you deserve in life.
Heart break is never something we wish to experience, but it is a part of life and there is very much we can be grateful for as well. If there is one thing we can take away from a destructive relationship and experiencing these stages of moving on, it is the art of self-discovery. You now know exactly what you’re looking for in life and what you most definitely are not, and there is a lot of power in that knowledge!
Where ever you are on your journey of moving on, know you’re not alone!